Isn’t it funny how you can read a journal entry or as it were, a draft of a post never published, and it takes you immediately back in time to that day?
Even more, you can revisit that point in time with the knowledge you didn’t have back then and put the pieces together.
This post is a harsh reminder that I always need to trust my gut and my intuition – and to never be an idiot with my heart or foolishly misplace my trust ever again.
One year ago…
Driving home tonight I started crying – no real reason, it just happened.
I was so removed from myself that I couldn’t even tell you any of the songs that played on my drive home – which is a miracle, because even on the worst days, music lifts me through.
I’m exhausted from always being strong, being independent, and always being alone.
I’m sick to death from acting like I have it all together, and to steal a line from the band Everclear, from being everything to everyone.
I walked into my home, closed all the windows, and turned my air on – who would’ve guessed it’d be hot and humid at the end of September. I came into my bedroom, sat on my bed, and the ugly crying commenced.
There’s nothing I can think of that provoked this, I’m guessing I just finally snapped from the constant crushing pressure of life. Empathic overload, as it were. Perhaps my intuition is trying to tell me something.
Times like this I just want a man who gives a fuck about me – mind, body, and soul – to sit and hold me. No words, no lectures or pep talks, just be in the moment with me. Not that I know what that’s like because I’ve never had a man in my life who would do just that.
Don’t we all need someone who’s equally or maybe even just a little bit stronger than we are? I can dream, right?
At this moment right now I feel weak, disgusting, and useless. Extremely morose thoughts are racing through my mind. My head is pounding, my stomach is in knots, I’m shivering cold and sweating, every muscle in my body is tensing up, and I cannot stop the waterworks.
I feel like I’m drowning. I’m a hot fucking mess.
I just want to be put out of my misery at this point.
Yes, I do believe my intuition is trying to tell me something. Time will reveal all soon enough, I’m sure.
Yet even as I spiral, I know these feelings are fleeting and I’ll be back to normal soon… but it doesn’t mean that at this moment these feelings aren’t real.
And so I write to validate them since no one is here to hear my crying – to hold me and help me through this temporary breakdown.
Panic, anxiety, depression, stress, exhaustion from lack of sleep? I don’t know what caused this.
I’m just tired.