Happy second Sunday in May.
I know you hate to be reminded that you are a mother, and despise all holidays, especially Mother’s Day, but I thought I’d write you just the same.
I’m sure you have read some, if not all, of my writings about you by now, thanks to my ex-husband. If there is one thing that you’ve taught me, it’s that you should always keep your nose clean and nothing will come back to haunt you.
I’m no saint, Mom-ster, and neither are you.
The difference between you and I is that I’m not ashamed of anything I’ve ever said or done; I never believed in sugar-coating life to save face. My life is an open book, if you will. The stories I’ve told and will continue to tell are just that – my stories.
Mom-ster, you made my childhood a living hell; that hell had repercussions well into my adult life. It has taken me years of therapy and soul-searching to finally get my life in order, and most of all, to love myself unconditionally.
To you, I will always be your “fat daughter” – I prayed for the day that you would finally see that I am so much more than my outer shell.
I waited in vain for years for you to see value in me, but I finally learned and accepted that you never would; not only could you not find value or substance in me, you never found it in yourself.
I honestly want to thank you for raising me the way you did. Yes, you read that right – Thank You.
All of the hard times, heartache, self-loathing, verbal and emotional abuse, it was all worth it – every single moment of it.
I cannot speak for my brother and sister, however. They have their own lives to forge and it is their choice to come to terms with their upbringing.
Sure, I would have loved to have a mother like the ones I adopted from my best friends growing up, but I wouldn’t be the strong, stubborn and determined woman I am today without all the shit you put me through.
You taught me lots of valuable lessons, even with the emotional scars attached.
Always remember, you once told me, “If you ever get yourself into trouble, you’d better figure it out on your own because I have my own life to deal with!” I did exactly what you told me.
I’m thankful for those words because without them, I don’t think I would have given up my daughter and she wouldn’t have the amazing family she has now. I shudder when I think of the life she would have had with me as a mother and you as my role model for that job.
So to return the favor, let me pass along to you a bit of wisdom I have learned in my travels:
I know you’d like to think you’ve had a hard life, but I hate to tell you this, you made it that way; by always focusing on the bad, negative and sad events of your past, you’ve created your own prison. Depression can be defeated.
Every single bad memory.
Purge it from your mind and soul.
Are you going to keep allowing that anger, bitterness and resentment drag you down and feed the toxic and negative energies within and around you, or are you going to move forward and forgive?
I’ve forgiven you – not for you but for me. My soul is healed.
Why not focus on and celebrate the good things in life?
Whether you realize it or not, you have three beautiful and successful children, four amazing grandchildren and one awesome great-grandson, each with their own list of accomplishments and joys that they’d love to share with you, if you would just take the time.
If you can’t find happiness within yourself, at least find happiness in them.
Life is so beautiful, I wish you could see that. There is so much possibility out there to take advantage of!
When I traveled to Italy, it healed many wounds and opened me up to a world of wonder, adventure and peace within my soul. I don’t think you know how many times I wished I could have reached out and shared those experiences with you and dad.
In a perfect world, we’d have an awesome mother-daughter relationship – but nothing and no one is perfect. I agree to disagree with you about my life and how I should live it.
I am done seeking your acceptance, respect and most of all, love. I have what I need inside of me.
I love you, and hope that one day you will find that peace inside of you as I have.
Happy Mother’s Day, and again, thank you.
All my love,Laura
PS: You were right – I shouldn’t have changed my last name when I got married. I should have just hyphenated it.