Fat.

 
(Revised & Updated 4/26/2015)
 
 

As far back as I can remember, I’ve been a heavy girl and the Mom-ster never let me hear the end of it.

 

I’m sure that even though we do not speak anymore, to this day she still speaks of me as her “fat and disgusting daughter.”

Most mothers raise their children to believe that the true beauty of a person isn’t the physical appearance, but what’s inside a person that counts. Mom-ster was the exact opposite. If you weren’t skinny, “No one is going to love you, ever.” She’s always been obsessed with her weight and being skinny, even to this day.

 

I honestly believe she’s like this because it is the one and only thing in her life she has any real control over – that and she’s completely narcissistic.

 

Me in 1977, 5 years old.
Me in 1977, 5 years old.

The summer before I entered into kindergarten, my parents took me to the doctor to get a physical. The doctor informed my parents that I was ten pounds overweight. Mom-ster told me after the appointment that I needed to go on a diet and lose weight or none of the kids would like me, because, “Nobody likes fat people.”

 

Diet? At five years old I had no idea what that was or how to do it. What kind of parent gives that type of responsibility to a five-year old?

 

Over my elementary school years, my weight was always an issue; with Mom-ster, it was always her main focus. When we would be shopping at a store and run into someone she knew, they’d make a comment along the lines of, “Oh look, she’s getting so big!” Mom-ster would hold her hands out like she was blowing up and say loud and boisterously, “Yeah she is, BIG and FAT.” People always looked uncomfortable with her words and would do their best to change the subject or even end the conversation.

Eventually the teasing went from just Mom-ster to the rest of our family; my siblings were just doing what they learned from her. The teasing was always done to help me – “if you want it to stop, then you had better lose weight!” Mom-ster told me that the kids in high school would be worse and I had better get used to it if I wasn’t going to get skinny.

Wait, weren’t the kids I’d be with in high school be the same ones I’d grown up with?

 

The horror stories she would tell me about what my ultimate fate would be really messed with my head. One story in particular was that I would never have a “real boyfriend” because I was fat.

 

senior 1990
My senior year of high school, 1990

The only guys that would like me, according to Mom-ster, were black guys, because I was a fat girl; “fat girls are easy and black guys like big butts.” They would only use me for sex and toss me aside.

The first time I heard this, I was around nine years old. For God’s sake, I was still playing with Barbie’s!

Mom-ster even asked an acquaintance of her and my dad, who just so happened to be an older black gentleman, to reinforce this belief in my head. Where did we always see this gentleman? At the “all-you-can-stuff-in-your-pie-hole” smorgasbord restaurants the Mom-ster loved to have us go to at least two to three times a week.

 

Okay, let me try to understand this reasoning – I’m fat and she hates it, but the only restaurants we would ever frequent were buffets and all you can eat places?!

 

Mom-ster would always make sure we didn’t eat all day when she had it planned to go out to dinner, so we could stuff our faces and get her money’s worth. Confusing, am I right? Keep in mind, until I was into my “tween” years, it was either Mom-ster or dad that went up and prepared my plates of food.

Also, we were all bona fide members of the clean plate club; otherwise Mom-ster would yell, but not about starving children in China, instead, how it was a waste of her money.

I am very happy to say I graduated from the clean plate club many years ago. I also no longer go to all-you-can-eat buffets, but if I am with others that choose to go, I eat responsibly and drink water with my meal.

 

Yes, I am still overweight, or as I like to refer to it, extra curvy.

 

polka dot me
Extra curvalicious me today

I hate it when people assume that just because I am overweight that I must have diabetes or that I sit around on the couch all day stuffing my face. I work out and eat healthy when possible; I love to do Zumba and TurboJam and I prefer a healthy Mediterranean diet. I do not have diabetes and I’m not even “Pre-diabetic”.

 

You cannot judge a book by its cover.

 

The psychological reasons why I was overweight are now conquered; I am now dealing with my health problems that have made my journey a long, uphill battle.

If the Mom-sters voice enters into my head these days, it’s immediately booted out of my thoughts; though at times, it takes some effort. She no longer has residency inside my head.

No more mind games.

No more self-defeating fat talk.

I might be “fat” in the eyes of the Mom-ster, but I am a beautiful, talented and sexy woman and most of all, I am happy with myself and life. I very highly doubt that she can say the same thing about herself or her life.