Why I’m Destined to be Alone – NSFW
The relationship gods do not like me – I am convinced of this fact.
After years of not being in a (conventional) romantic relationship, I’ve grown used to my solitary life – and I love it. I come and go as I please, sleep diagonally in my queen-sized bed, and never have to worry about the toilet seat being left up. I can leave feminine products out on the bathroom counter, hang clothes and delicates to dry in the shower and don’t have to worry about anyone accidentally/on purpose sharing my toothbrush.
Yes, being single and in my 40’s is pretty damn good.
My girlfriends who are either in committed relationships or married remind me almost daily about “how good” I have it. I don’t refute it, I know I “got it good”.
I am single these days, by choice I might add.
I’ve played the dating rat race games, from online dating sites and apps to being set up by friends, and the result is almost always the same – there’s no “click”. The click is important to me. I’m at the age I don’t want to waste time with someone, as in pursuing more than a casual dating relationship, so I stick with the dating and don’t allow things to move any further.
I even opt for nights in watching re-runs on Netflix on the couch with my cats, instead of going out on dates with potential suitors.
I’ve been told I’m “too picky” and need to “lower my standards” for dating or I’m going to end up alone.
Really? I need to basically settle in order to not be alone?
Sorry, that was the first part of my life – I settled with everything I did in my life. I’ve moved past that mindset. I want passion, fire, and the all elusive click.
The Click. I’ve felt it before. Hell, I’ve even had it before, so I know it exists.
Sadly, the relationship gods have things a bit twisted with me.
Those times I’ve felt the click, it was almost always with guys who were commitment-phobic, interested in someone else, or my favorite – men who are already spoken for either in a relationship or married.
It’s really starting to make me think that there’s something seriously wrong with me. I don’t ask for these men, they seek me out and find me.
What is wrong with me that I keep attracting these types of men? I’ve purged myself of all the negativity of past relationships and what I want in a mate, so there’s no residual bad juju around me.
I’ve had friends weigh in on the matter – my favorite response was, “Because you look like you’d screw sideways!” Yeah, I’m flypaper for freaks alright, no doubt about that.
On those very rare occasions when I gave in and went out, I always instantly regret giving into those animal urges and then fall into a spiral of overthinking, which leads to depression. I miss having someone who honestly wants to hang out, with no grab-ass games or expectation of sex.
I have a few guys vying for my time and attention now – unfortunately, it all boils down to “hanging out” and/or “Netflix and chill” – or in plain and simple terms, casual sex.
In theory, it sounds great, but for me, it’s not that fun anymore. I’m growing weary of the sexting (which is almost always a one-way road, as in the guy is sexting me and I’m either not replying or replying with “lol”).
Maybe I’ve actually grown up (god forbid) and I’m not built for those casual flings anymore. I deserve far more than the sexual attentions of a guy for an hour (if I’m lucky).
I don’t have the patience of my younger self to tolerate ignorant, selfish, or crass behavior from guys.
Another baffling question I have is, why is it when I meet a guy online, he automatically wants to send me a photo of his dick? Sometimes they send it without warning – some things once seen cannot be unseen.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve entertained a few guys who enjoy sending the occasional snapshot of their favorite body part. These guys also don’t send them unsolicited to me. I’ve also recruited one of my faves to actually pose for me for an erotic photo session of his favorite member, so I can enter an erotic art contest.
I used to have a folder named “dick pics” on the desktop of my home computer when I was married (and in an open relationship, I might add). I thought it amusing, that with this new advent of instant gratification technology, guys would immediately go to taking pics of their dicks.
Most of the dick pics I’ve received over the years, with the exception of a few, were very raw and revealing. Sure, I’m talking about full-on erections, but some guys got creative.
I’ve gotten photos of dicks with a tiny sombrero (ole!), finger puppets (a guy sent me one with a Pumbaa puppet on the tip), strange lighting and angled pics (to make it look much larger, I’m sure) and of course, the gratuitous “money shot” ones.
What possesses guys to do this?
Yeah, I’ve taken my fair share of erotic pics, I’m a photographer after all, but mine are always artsy and tasteful – and they don’t get shared around with just anyone.
At times, I must confess, for entertainment’s sake, I toy with these pervy guys. I’ll go and Google some erotic pics from the interwebs and send them as my own.
Sadly, I’ve sent guys a wide array of photos that don’t match, but no one has ever noticed. It’s amusing, if you think about it. I don’t think these guys care, honestly.
But I digress…
Here is my hope and request from The Universe:
I want, need and crave that damned click in a romantic relationship with a man… and if I can’t have it, then please at least give me a (single) guy worthy of my time and attention – a guy whose first instinct is not to assault me with photos of his junk in different lighting, positions, and angles.