This has not started out as being the best Valentine’s Day I’ve ever had – it’s also not the worst – so I am thankful for that. I did, however, break out in tears on my way into work today; sadly I cannot blame it on PMS, but I can blame it on stress.
Buried deep underneath all of my badass and hard shell casing, there is a hopeless romantic slowly suffocating from lack of sensual human contact. Sure, I have sex, at least on an irregular basis, but sex doesn’t always equal love and certainly doesn’t satisfy me in a sensual way.
That hopeless romantic in me craves all of those mushy girly things I tend to mock, like cuddling, flowers, holding hands, having my hair played with, etc. and so on. It’s been a while since I last experienced that, and even when I do, it is never enough.
Let’s flashback to my Valentine’s Day in 2012, when I was in the closest thing to a normal relationship that I’ve ever had – sad but true.
My boyfriend had flowers sent to me at the bar I worked as a DJ – I never had experienced getting anything delivered to me at work before. He bought me daisies, which just so happen to be my all-time favorite flower (The Great Gatsby), and added the deluxe package with it which included a small box of gourmet chocolates, a lavender-scented bath set and a glittery heart-shaped pic that said: “I Love You!”
I was in heaven. I immediately sent him a thank you text and said I loved him too.
A few short hours later he came to see me at work; I was all smiles and had butterflies just seeing him. He pulled me aside, took my hand in his and said, “I don’t mean to be a dick, but I didn’t buy that thing in the flowers, they must have added it in by accident. I never say those words, so I’m sorry.” He then kissed me and went up to the bar to get a drink.
My heart dropped to my feet. The best Valentine’s Day I ever had and he ruined it. To make matters worse, he told me he had to take his mother to dinner with his family that night, so we wouldn’t be spending Valentine’s Day evening together… which turned out to be a lie. He spent the evening cheating on me. I found this out after we broke up.
I’ve had much worse…
When I was married, my ex-husband would wait until the day after to buy me gifts because he worked at Super K-Mart and they were a lot cheaper after the holiday. He would buy me everything from wilted roses to marked down cupcakes or chocolates and sometimes even a stuffed animal, as long as the price was right (cheap).
Oh, the things I used to settle for in relationships…
These days I celebrate Valentine’s Day by not settling for someone to spend time with to not be alone on this holiday. I’ve learned to love my alone time. I fully embrace this healthier path. I am a lot happier these days celebrating the love all around and inside of me.
My advice to women that cannot stand to be alone is that if you cannot be alone with yourself and enjoy it, how can you expect a man to do the same?
Some get it… some just look off into the distance.
I will be the first to admit that I’m not perfect – there are times that I become prey to my own desires. For these occasions, I have a few friends I can call to take that edge off; I also know that is all it is and I do not make it be anything more than a moment of raw passion.
Of course, I’d love to find one man to celebrate love with on a daily basis, but I’m in no rush these days. Love, romance and all those fuzzy, warm feelings that go with it will come to me when the time is right; I trust the universe knows what it’s doing.
Still… there is that little hope inside of me that maybe, just maybe, some male secret admirer will surprise me with an unexpected card, flowers or even chocolate before the day is over.
I’m a cynical optimist… it could happen.
If not… there’s always the 50% off sales tomorrow to treat myself to.Happy Valentine’s Day! However you plan to celebrate it, make sure to do it with lots of love!