The Secret Lonely Girl

She walks alone – always alone. 

I’m sure you might have seen her before… Brazen, beautiful, eloquent, always smiling on the outside; she is but a tortured soul on the inside. A dark and tempestuous passion burns deep down inside of her. 

She doesn’t understand the darkness and has tried to decipher it over the years. After many false translations and failed attempts, she has learned to accept it for what it is. Perhaps one day she will find a strong man daring and determined enough to help her unravel its mysteries, together.

Many people over the years have tried to stifle, tame and crush her. Men have always been attracted to her strange and wild passion and energy. Unfortunately, they only want her behind closed doors – in secret – so she let them, as to not be so lonely in the world.

She did not realize that by allowing things in secret, it made her even more lonely and empty inside.

Years pass by and it’s the same broken record in her life. This girl is often disappointed with people and the world. Sometimes she thinks she has reached too high or doesn’t deserve good things in life, like someone to love her. 

She is her own undoing. If only she would look in the mirror and see this.

This strange and lonely girl has no regrets, just a lot of misplaced love over the years. Time after time, she still hands over her heart as if the people were children knocking on the door saying “trick or treat” – unfortunately, she is always tricked in the end. 

For once she’d like the treat, to be the treat, or to be treated with the same love and respect she gives to others.

After spending so many years of being careless and foolish with her heart, she found it broken in many places from those who did not know what a beautiful gift she had given to them so freely. She also found it battered and bruised with lots of unrequited love and misplaced trust. 

Countless years of this pain became draining and pointless to her. She decided she deserved better for herself.

Knowing that no one could ever love her as much as she needed or wanted, she decided to love herself to fill that void inside. That was an epiphany to her and it started to change her life.

Taking what was left of her heart, she stitched it up with lots of self-love and good intentions. To preserve what she had, she placed her heart in a cast of plaster, then coated it with impenetrable molten steel, and finally covered it in a nice coating of decorative ice.

She locked it away in a heart-shaped box and cannot remember where she hid the key. Until she can find a man to connect with, that key will remain lost.

She wants to feel a love that passionately burns with the fire of ten thousand sunsets – a love that is almost fictional.

The men still came around her, wanting to sample her fiery passion, still in secret – always in secret. 

Then unexpectedly, she met a man who appeared to have just as much passion, fire, and energy as herself – she even detected a bit of darkness in him as well. She ignored and denied this attraction until she wasn’t able to anymore. 

Because old habits die hard, she went about things with him just as she used to with men. He also wanted to take the secret route with her, and she allowed this to happen. 

She soon found out he wasn’t like anyone else she ever met before. She got a lot more than she bargained for. She felt fireworks and electricity with him. This scared her.

Still, she proceeded as she always had, until one day she decided that this could be worth her taking a chance for more.

She mustered up the strength, along with the right words to tell him. She didn’t want to say the wrong thing, even though she was good with her words.

She jumped off that cliff without a safety net. He didn’t reply right away, but she knew that this was in his time, in his words.

As she expected, but did not want, he did not return the affection she jumped off that cliff for. Surprisingly she did not crash to the ground or on the rocks.

Deep down inside she almost wished for his rejection, because if he would have returned her affections, it would take her down a path she has never walked before. 

She eventually would have to find the key to her heart-shaped box and trust him enough to open it, taking away all those protective layers.

She has gotten used to this aloneness and has made peace with it. It is her security and her best friend.

And so she still walks alone – always alone. She will walk this way until the heavens deem it good and right for her to walk with another.