I’m feeling all kinds of “dis” lately – discord, distanced, disarmed, disenchanted, disappointed, disheartened, and most of all, disconnected.
I’m not sure if it’s my mental illness at work, brain fog, or just stress, that is causing this mental unrest. There are days my body just wants to shut down on me, while my brain whirs away at 100 million miles per hour.
At night I grind my teeth, causing me horrible jaw pain and headaches during the days. I’m also living with varying bouts of fatigue and insomnia, leading to feelings of apathy.
There is nothing worse than feeling apathetic – except the anger I feel after the apathy wears away, pushing me into depression.
It’s a continuous circular and cyclic battle I am constantly fighting around and within myself.
Sometimes I wonder if there are cells misfiring in my brain causing this – other times I just wonder if I am cursed. It definitely feels like at times someone has their finger on me, pushing me down, or playing me like a pawn in a chess game. I’ve often described this feeling as one of those friction cars kids play with, where you keep pulling it backwards and then let it go.
I get revved up, then pulled back a lot these days – I’m constantly waiting, and praying, for release. Forward motion is my ultimate goal with everything – I hate being held back.
My creativity has suffered as a result of this cyclic war in my head. I need to get my passion and excitement for my artistic pursuits flowing. I need my free mind back. Fortunately, I know what is pulling the strings and holding me back in my life. Fear.
Fear and mental illness are thieves of joy.
Yesterday, I started back with the basics – I began a new gratitude journal. Gratitude is the most powerful force in the universe, and I’m calling upon its awesome powers once again in my life, to help me conquer fear and gain control of my life once again.
Call it what you want – Law of Attraction, Prosperity Teaching, The Secret, New Age hoo-ha – it works. The power of positive thinking has a magic all its own. Of course it is no answer for mental illness on its own. I am continuing with my supplement therapy, but to give my mind, body and spirit that one-two knock-out punch, I am employing positivity and prosperity teachings to help reshape my world.
It’s going to be wonderful to have balance and order restored in my life; to be excited, passionate and full of energy to stoke the creative embers in my mind once again. To champion over fear.
- Disconnect – Rollins Band
- Rise Above – Black Flag