Meteorites: Random thoughts of a troubled and artistic mind

Various notes, random thoughts, verse and more from my iPhone over the past few years.

I like to call these tidbits Meteorites, after the song by Echo and The Bunnymen – it just fits. 

Life take it’s toll… cursed by mortality…
Life’s lost soldiers on the march
Leaving their trenches now…
Nights got cold as life got dark
Freezing the senses now
Can it be found… can it be found?
Please be found, please be found, please be found

 

 

• Screaming screaming screaming in my head but it never takes voice or flies out of my mouth. I keep it well hidden. Sadly all you need to do is look into my eyes and see the apathy mixed with agony. My pupils are a screaming mouth. I know you can visualize this.

• Don’t call me beautiful when all you want to do is fuck me.

• I wear my halo in reverse, sometimes supported by devil horns sprouting out of my head. I am not evil, just lost and misunderstood in this world.

• I’ve hit rock bottom before and don’t wish to return. If I slip into that horrible way again, I hope I hit the bottom rock and knock myself out of this world. Death would be better.

• IDGAF is my apathetic motto these days. 

• What does it all mean?
  What am I working towards?
  What do I want for my writing and art?
  How can I make it all better for me?
  How can I transition into a better, more fulfilling life?

• I just want to feel as if my presence has made a difference.

• I’m so tired of making everyone else money. I want to work for myself and be my own boss. I want to travel and photograph everything I see. I want to break the restraints and be free.

• I’ve fallen deep into another rabbit hole. I want to follow the white rabbit. I must follow him.

• This madness in my mind is never quiet even in the depths and darkness of slumber.

• I need to make coherent the words that fly fly fly around in my head. I have to catch them.

• Here we go again. Depression. The pit of despair. Apathy has become my new best friend. No I don’t give a good god damn about anyone or anything in this moment. I want to hide away from everyone and everything. Thoughts of self-destruction are my constant companion these days. I am a fucking mess. A hot fucking piece of shit mess.

• Tunnel vision. It’s really bad, even though it would have you think otherwise. 

• Teetering on the edge. Is it always like this? Yes. Living on the edge of sanity and breaking down. It’s a thin line. 

• Tired of running on the same hamster wheel and going nowhere. This area sucks.

• It’s truly been a long, strange ride, this life of mine. I can never get comfortable with life, it is constantly changing for me. Change is good, but not drastic change like I’ve become accustomed to. 

• I need to get what I want, what I need, and what I deserve all on the same page.

• Dear person who doesn’t understand what depression is,
  If I knew what was depressing me, or if there was a specific situation depressing me, things would be a lot easier. But it’s not one thing, or even a few things. This is a chemical imbalance. I cannot help it when I slip into this state. I have no control over it. I have to acknowledge it and ride things out. Fuck you for telling me to just cheer up and get over it.

• The “you’re such a loser” and “you’ve wasted your life” dialogue is running rampant through my mind again.

• I want to carve and burn intricate patterns into my skin. I want to bleed out and watch the scars form, then run my fingers over the wounds, just to remember and feel.

• I am one step from breaking down. Or salvation.

• Stop apologizing for speaking your truth and being your own person. Those who matter understand and respect you. Those who criticize don’t get it, and frankly do not matter.

• Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m on the edge. I’m not sure what edge I’m skating on, however. I don’t know if I am on the edge of something great happening to me, or on the edge of a complete breakdown. With my luck, it’s a mental breakdown.

• I need a fresh start. A new place to live. A new work vibe. California? New York? ABH – Anywhere But Here. 

• I need to get out of this dead-end area. Somewhere that my creative spirit will be recognized and celebrated.

• I’m beyond hoping to find Mr. Right. I’m just looking for a real connection these days.

• I’m tired of living in a constant state of contradictions.

• Why can’t I keep the past in the past?

• Resentment is sometimes a necessary emotion.

• Cyclones of dead leaves
  twirling in the autumn breeze.
  I hate rhyming.
  It’s all about the timing.
  This poem sucks.

• I am still that nervous and timid girl inside. I feel invisible, yet I know eyes are on me.

• Depression forces my mind to compare myself to others. There is no rhyme or reason. 

• I wish my mind would only play the highlights reel instead of the mistakes and tragedies of my past in my head. You’d think that by now it would be too warped and worn to play. I want to take those memories and smash them like a broken record into a thousand pieces.

• Retrograde sucks. I’m living my life on loops of rewind thanks to my fucked up head.

• I just want to gas up my car and drive away. Where? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just pack up enough for a weekend and just go. Even a few days might be good… but then I’d hunger for more. I wish my cats traveled better.

• I live my life in and out of the shadows. I know how to embrace the darkness. It doesn’t scare me.

• I feel like I am chasing the dragon with my creativity. 

• I am a walking, talking and writing contradiction.

• Maybe I’m just too broken and fucked up to have a real relationship.

• I think I’m getting good with hiding these little earthquakes inside of my mind. I’m like a functional alcoholic with my depression. Publicly functional depression.