I’m (not) Fine. [on the fly]

I am here. Again. The pit of depression. Paralyzed by self-doubt. Cut off from action. Not giving a good god damn about anything.

I cry but no one sees or hears me behind my closed off doors of seclusion. Thoughts of self-destruction run rampant once again in my mind. Pain is the only thing real right in this moment. Choked up with tears streaming down my face, I am a fucking mess. I gasp for air as I fight back wanting to burn or cut my flesh open. A bloodletting to stop the pain inside.

I hate myself in this moment. There is no saving grace right now.

I am fully immersed in tunnel vision. I am ashamed. I feel defeated. I have no control over this beast inside me. It comes and goes as it pleases. It scares me.

It’s hard to put on a poker face let alone a happy face to go and interact with others. This monster stifles my words and steals my joy. Not even music can save me today. I am spiraling out of control.

The tears come harder and faster and I don’t know what triggered them – all I know is I cannot make them stop. I cringe as I cry and pound my fists into my legs from frustration.

My body trembles in rage. I feel as if I have a toxic poison coursing through my veins. I can see why some turn to alcohol and drugs to quiet this demon inside. I just want to be numb. Please have mercy on me and stop.

I try to go about my day. I try to fit in. I know my face and swollen eyes will betray me.

Don’t ask me why I am depressed. I just am. There is no explanation. If I knew I would fix it.

I don’t want to talk about it.

I’m. Fine.

 

drinking woman smoking