Haunted by the girl I used to be
“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” ~ Lao Tzu
My past, like most others out there, is filled with lots of mistakes; things I’ve done, the ways I’ve carried myself and acted, even my thoughts and feelings deep down inside are riddled and interwoven with glorious mistakes.
These mistakes are necessary in life – how else does one grow from one stage of life to the next if not by and through our mistakes?
Mistakes often lead to lessons – whether or not we learn and grow from them is up to each of us individually. The universe will keep leading us to situations to learn these lessons until we glean the right message and grow.
In my life, once I think I’ve reached a summit, it is quickly shown to me as just a plateau. I am then forced to walk through and find the next mountain to climb. Sometimes this only takes a short while – others it is a long walk alone.
My current path has been leading me through and showing me rewinds of my jaded and depressing past for quite a while now.
The most recent plateau I’ve been forced through has shown me a lot of darkness, pain and tears; it has taken me through the barren desert of my past with no new mountains in sight to climb. I’ve seen quite a few mirages the past few months, leading me to think my next mountain or maybe even my own Promised Land was only a few steps away.
I know that my utopia is out there; I still have a ways to go and must make the right steps forward to get there or else I might be stuck in this barren and desolate desert for a long time.
This past Mercury retrograde and shadow time has revealed to me through words of others I look up to, as well as a rewind of my past that I’m not here to learn about balance or safety like I originally thought.
I’ve experienced a lot of “A HA!” moments recently, along with a few deep and powerful revelations about myself and my behaviors.
There are things that I feel and write passionately about, yet I didn’t realize until today that I am a walking, talking and writing contradiction. This hit me hard and revealed to me that I have been my own worst enemy.
Just because we make mistakes on our path doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re not going to end up where we need to be; it is just going to take a lot more time than it should to get where we are going.
I’ve never hesitated to take risks and jump out on a limb for my artistic side, perhaps it is time I did the same for the rest of my life – to finally achieve that which I’ve only waxed poetic and dreamed about.
Now I need to decide my next steps and actions… this will be very difficult as it is virgin and uncharted territory.
So here I go again – not in the popular 80’s Whitesnake song way, mind you. This time it is not a new mountain for me to climb; I have found a new cliff to jump off. There is no room for fear, hesitation or rationalization. I refuse to run backwards into the familiar any longer.
There are no safety nets; here’s hoping my wings form fast on this one.
6 Thoughts to “Haunted by the girl I used to be”
I feel your pain! And I have this feeling that everyone, at some point or another, ends up becoming a “Walking, talking contradiction” at some point or another. That’s what learning and growing is all about. Phases of life aren’t easy. I wish it were like the flick of a switch or something, you know? Like, oh, I learned this. BAM, now it’s changed. *sighs* Love your post. Totally relative.
I really enjoyed the reflection in this post, and I think many of us can relate. Sometimes it takes a long while before we realize we are doing ourselves more harm than good, that we have been standing in our own way. I love that you end with: “I refuse to run backwards into the familiar any longer.” Thank you for writing this!
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece as it touches something in all of us. Discovering your true path and finding the courage to take it is a difficult decision to follow through with!
Our lives, for the most part, have been running sort of parallel lately. At least we aren’t alone on this journey! Love you! <3
It was very hard for me to write this AND to share it as well. I’m glad to see others resonating with my words and journey. Thank you for reading! 🙂
It might have taken me a long time to find this center within me, but it is never too late to live the life you want and were meant to have! Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to comment! 🙂