Have you ever thought back to some of the stupid things you’ve done in your past and wanted a do-over? Yeah, me too. If only there were such things as a time machine or even Doctor Who’s TARDIS.
But of course, there isn’t – it’s all fiction, even though I’d like to believe The Doctor is somewhere out there doing his whole wibbly wobbly timey-wimey thing.
I’ve been in a stage of downsizing my material possessions and simplifying for the past few years – it’s just stuff after all. I took a hiatus from this activity, and as a result, I’ve unfortunately acquired more crap to sort through.
I’ve come a long way though. I have to cut about a room worth of stuff from my life – this should be easy when I’m in a depressed state of mind because all I want to do is throw everything away in those moments.
I didn’t think about digitally downsizing until recently when I was cleaning through one of the email addresses I’ve had forever. Looking at my folders of crap I don’t even need anymore, I ran across his folder. Reluctantly I opened it.
There in cyberspace, staring me in the face, were literally thousands of emails dating back to 1999. I started to read through them randomly, reliving situations and feelings I long forgot about. Emotions washed over me ranging from sentimental girly garbage to rage, anger, and disappointment – all with myself mind you, not with him.
If I only had a time machine to go back and erase the stupid and pathetic things I did and said…
I stepped back in my mind for a moment, rationalizing my anger and when I came back to the present, I smiled.
I see now in those email interactions a very damaged and lost little girl trying to walk through life blindly with a giant mean bully leading the way. Truth be told he had no idea about life nor what he was doing either – He was just as damaged and lost as that little girl.
Reading email after email, the story played out…
Sometimes he gave her a lot of “tough love” in order to help her, but mostly he was cold and callous to her. Of course, his cold behavior made her want him even more because she was so fucked up in her head, thanks to her upbringing.
Ever hear the Morrissey song, “The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get”? That was her, except that lost damaged girl was the one truly wasting her time, not the other way around.
On and on for many years they did this sick sad masochistic tango, but never actually touched one another where it really mattered. These two damaged people never fully and truthfully communicated even though they shared many years and billions of words between them.
They did, however, share stories of their wretched and damaged upbringings -- that was the one common ground they honestly shared. There were also a few moments of cracks in the pavement where it was nice and they shared an amazing friendship.
After a while, because of the distance he placed between them, it all came down to her saying things she thought he wanted to hear, in return hurting herself, not him.
His calculated coldness and biting sarcasm hurt her to the bone, but letting go was just something she couldn’t do -- not yet.
She lived in constant fear of losing him from her life – he knew this and played upon it. She should have realized sooner you cannot lose something you never had in the first place.
He did the push-pull dance with her lots of times, especially when she would get strong enough to pull back and away from him. It was always for naught – she was never truly strong enough to stay completely away. I think she liked the thrill of the emotional roller coaster.
She was the ultimate emotional masochist and he was her sadist giving her all the pain she asked for and more.
He looked as if he gave in towards the end, demonstrating the (ultimate) illusion of a relationship – but it was all an act. He was, after all, a great and consummate actor.
He was just along for the ride, playing his part until he found a better opportunity. He never intended on being a permanent and reliable person in her life – and definitely not the way she wanted him.
In her heart, she knew this scenario being played out in front of her wasn’t real, but she wanted with everything inside of her to believe it was. Ultimately, she was her own undoing and worst enemy. It was her fault for all the heartache she suffered in the aftermath.
I wanted to cry thinking back on all the years, words, and feelings wasted. The entire pseudo-relationship was all an illusion I created -- although he did help furnish it a bit.
Fast forward to the present day.
That lost, damaged little girl is now a wise, strong woman with direction, passion, and purpose.
I am so incredibly grateful now, almost six years later, that things happened just as they did. All the heartache, tears, lies, depression, hurt, and rage were worth it.
Was I a fool?
Did I make horrible choices and casually throw my love around?
Did I get my hopes up where there was no reason to whatsoever?
Yes, to every question. A thousand times, yes.
Ultimately it was all part of the story – my story – and was (sadly) necessary to my emotional growth. He was the male equivalent to my narcissistic mother, and in dealing with the damage from him, I healed from my childhood traumas.
Funny how life keeps giving you the same lessons over again until you finally learn.
Sadly, he still holds a place deep down in my heart, mostly because of those few stolen moments of true humanity, friendship, and love we shared over the years.
I’ve decided to keep that folder of old emails. It’s a reminder of who I once was, who I am now, and why I never want to go back to being that sad, pathetic, lost, and damaged girl.