Hey, it’s me… again… funny how I can’t do any creative writing, but when it comes to you, my words flow. Maybe you’re my muse…
So many things sitting in my head to say to you, which really is a change because I’m used to things either spinning around or playing ping-pong in there.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve jumped head first into the feelings pool, only to end up drowning. I’ve been reckless and careless with my heart, putting myself into situations without carefully weighing options and looking at the bigger picture.
I step back and look at the bigger picture between us, and I know we could have something otherworldly and amazing. However, you keep shutting the door to something more between us, using your past as a crutch to hold it shut. Part of me wants to kick open the door like Neo in The Matrix, but I don’t want to scare you away. So instead I knock, nudge, and even push a little to get you to open up more to me.
As the saying goes: “Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.“
You slammed the door on me last weekend, and I accepted it. I cried, with my heart breaking, and swore I was done with feelings, relationships, and love. Those closest to me got to hear it… “I’m too old for this crap. I’m tired. I can’t do this again. I’m better off alone.”
And then you cracked open the door you just shut…
You’re afraid, just like me, to open yourself up again because of all the pain you’ve endured. You’d rather retreat than take a chance and move forward. Fear is a motherfucker. I don’t think you know how hard it was for me to even admit I felt something for you, let alone tell you -- both three years ago and now. But I took a chance, stood before you, open, vulnerable, and scared as fuck. Even now.
This past year of getting closer and spending time together has amazed me. The first time you came to the coffee-house and worked on stuff with me, it was magical, as if someone took that dream of mine out of my mind and put it there in real-time. I don’t normally share my creative time with others, it is my sacred time. To be creative together, yet separately, is this introverts dream; I could go on about how we are an almost perfect creative fit and how you inspire me to do more and be more ad nauseam, but I think you already know that.
After all those times I jumped in head first, I am thankful for this slow progression of dipping our toes in the water. It’s built a strong foundation of friendship and trust between us, and as I’ve said before, trust means so much to me.
But I digress…
A life without risk and love isn’t really living. Life is not meant to be lived that way. It’s so easy to fall back on the familiar pains and disappointments of the past or retreat and cut oneself off from feelings and relationships -- but ultimately you’re doing more damage than good. I can’t promise you I will never hurt you, but I can promise I will never do anything intentionally to hurt you.
I’m not going to give up, not just yet… and I think there’s a part of you that’s hoping I don’t.
So, knock knock…
PS: The video below is only 1:25, so maybe you’ll watch it… 😉