Waiting for the Night…

 

There are quite a few heartbreaks that are indelibly imprinted in my mind as well as my psyche.

 

Every time I recall one I get choked up and rip the wound open again. It’s the most addicting self-inflicted pain in the world to me.

I know I shouldn’t do this, but certain things make me recall these past unfortunate events. It could be the time of year or something as simple as a fragrance in the air. If only I could erase those memories and reprogram my brain.

There is nothing like the first briskly cold pre-winter winds hitting your face to make you feel so incredibly vulnerable and aware of just how alone and lonely you are in the world.

Sunsets on days like this burn brightly in contrast with the impending stillness and freeze of winter.

 

I want to put my heart in a deep freeze so it never has to feel the stinging pain of longing and heartbreak ever again.

 

Depression it seems is my only steadfast companion in life. I can always count on it to show up on days like these, making the sunsets more intense with longing and drawing the tears like a rain storm from my eyes.

I guess it is my very own blessing and curse to be like this; to feel so intensely and wax poetic about my anguish.

No, I’m not like other women – I accepted that decades ago. I know I’m not in a proper sized package nor do I adorn it like everyone else so I can blend in. Perhaps I am too different, too odd, too emotional, too much… unapologetically me.

 

The sunset is a slow, bright, and cold burn tonight. I don’t think I’ve felt more alone in my life than I feel right now.

 

And so the sun sets in the distance, painting the sky with its warm palette of rich oranges and dark vibrant reds against the cold and chilling atmosphere. The colors don’t last long, taken captive and slowly erased in this vast wasteland of cold.

Depression drapes its chilling yet comforting arms around me. Ah, yes, it’s going to be a long time until spring arrives.