I saw a meme on Facebook the other day and shared it with my friends on my timeline. It read: “Why does no one talk about how friends can break your heart so devastatingly intimately sometimes a million times worse than romantic partners why does no one talk about friend break ups”
While the horrible grammar and lack of punctuation made me cringe, the sentiment was more than enough to justify my sharing the meme on my timeline.
I cannot speak for men, but I do know when women have a friendship end, for the most part, we then refer to said ex-friend as “that bitch” or something else proper to the anger and betrayal we feel.
We don’t talk about the hurt, what caused it or why we feel so betrayed. We disguise the pain and void that the now “endship” has left in our hearts by cursing the one who caused that pain.
Friendships are very intimate, especially when you share parts of yourself with a friend and let them see inside your soul. We sometimes divulge our deepest, darkest secrets to our friends. They know us inside out, and always have our back no matter what. These friendships are sometimes so much deeper than any romantic relationship.
Friendship is golden. Endship makes us feel we were tricked with gold-plated nickel.
Why don’t we talk about and address the pain we feel from our endships?
Over the years I’ve had a few close friendships die off -- when they slowly start to dissolve, it’s a lot easier to handle (at least for me) than to have one abruptly end with no explanation.
It can be awkward to see a close friend years later, after no communication, and pretend we are happy to see each other. I don’t know about you, but in the back of my mind I think, “wow, I really used to be close to this person and now we don’t even know each other anymore.” It’s sad to think about.
What’s worse is seeing one of those people whom you experienced an abrupt endship, especially if the wounds are still fresh and can easily be cut back open to bleed.
These are the times when we, as women, still lash out and call the other person a bitch, for our own self-preservation. I hate those moments. They leave me torn inside. I tend to spiral into an over thinking marathon asking the same questions over and over.
“When and where did things start to go wrong?”
“What really happened?”
“Why did things change so abruptly?”
“Was there anything I could have done to remedy the situation?”
But in the end, it is all pointless. Sometimes, just like with some relationships that end, the closure you want just isn’t there and never will be.
So why the bitterness with an endship?
I have a few ideas on this…
- We want to be in control of the situation.
- We have to disguise our pain and heartbreak.
- We cannot be seen as weak or wrong.
- We want to seem unbreakable, impenetrable, and badass.
Meanwhile, behind closed doors, in the privacy of our homes, we cry and mourn the endship -- even if we are the one who ended it. Why it is perfectly acceptable to cry over a lost lover and not a friend escapes me.
The four best ways I can suggest to move on and get on with your life without the bitterness, resentment and needless drama:
Allow yourself to feel and acknowledge the pain and resentment you have for the person in question. Then move forward. If you need something more to purge yourself of those feelings, then write a letter of endship to the now former friend, pouring all of your feelings into it -- then burn it and release those negative feelings. This is best done as a solitary activity and allows you to mourn and release all the negativity.
Listen to the mixtape playlist that follows -- it will help you purge those feelings, with a mix of Rock, R&B, Pop, Punk, and Alternative songs all about “Endship”.
Move on from the pain of the loss by not taking the endship personally. Whether we want to admit it or not, sometimes we take on the blame, which is an underlying cause of vocal scorning, i.e.: “That f#%@ing two-faced bitch!”
Surround yourself with your good and close friends. Focus on the loving and positive people you have in your life.
Life is way too short to waste your time dwelling on the past. Take your power back and turn that energy into something productive. Moving out old, worn out and drama filled relationships make room for positive, happy and prosperous relationships to enter into your life!
The Ultimate Endship Playlist
- Friends -- Whodini
- What About Your Friends? -- TLC
- Friends -- Jody Watley featuring Eric B. & Rakim
- Friends -- Mary J. Blige
- Friend of Mine -- Lilly Allen
- FriendaMine -- Jelleestone featuring Nelly Furtado
- Friend or Foe -- t.A.T.u.
- Friend of Mine -- Liz Phair
- Losing a Friend -- The Cardigans
- Are You Happy Now? -- Michelle Branch
- We Used to be Friends -- The Dandy Warhols
- Disappointed -- Public Image Ltd.
- Friend is a Four-Letter Word -- Cake
- Missing -- Everything but the Girl
- Fake Friends -- Joan Jett & The Blackhearts
- Friends of Mine -- Duran Duran
- Can’t Stand Me Now -- The Libertines
- Dead End -- The Dead Kennedys
- Stabbed in the Back -- Youth of Today
- Walk -- Pantera