I am now in one of the longest periods of my life without being in a relationship -- three and a half years now to be exact. I won’t lie, the first three to six months were torturous -- I’ve always been involved one way or another with a man since I was 16 years old. Being completely alone like this took some adjustments in the beginning, but now I revel in my solitude.
When my last boyfriend and I broke up it hurt, but remarkably I bounced back from it fairly well -- and fast. Sure, I had my crying and sad times, but overall, I knew I deserved better than what I had with him. Up until that time, I had always settled and pushed my needs and wants aside just to have someone.
Those days are long gone. Being single this long has made me, as I’ve been called by many, picky.
Look for what seems out of place…
After forty some odd years on this planet, and most of those years in and out of relationships, I believe anyone with those stats should be “picky”.
I know what I like, what I am willing to compromise, and what is simply a deal breaker. I know within that first date if there is something there or not -- sometimes it takes me a bit longer, but not by much. I have no patience for incompatibility.
As I’ve observed (and written about) before, most guys out there want a disposable and meaningless hook-up.
I’m starting to grasp what is in my own hands…
I go through phases where I turn on, then off within a few days or a week, my dating profiles. It’s bad when just a reply from a potential suitor either disappoints or infuriates me.
Think I’m an easy target because I’m a big girl? I’m not. Don’t call me beautiful when all you want to do is fuck me. Take your useless flattery elsewhere.
Some guys just don’t get it either. I’ve met the gamut of guys from the distant commitment phobic to the nauseatingly needy and clingy types. I need that middle ground, but I wonder if it exists.
I’ve also met a variety of cheaters over the years. Most of the time I had no knowledge that the guy I was with was cheating. It’s actually rare to find a guy who is honest about it up front – most would tell me after they’ve already reeled me in or we’ve had sex.
I can’t live with or without you…
Unfortunately, these days, the more I date, the more alone I feel.
But that isn’t necessarily a bad thing -- it just means I’ve evolved past having someone for the sake of having someone.
A man really has to intrigue me and offer me something better than my solitary existence if he truly wants to win me over into abandoning my solitude for a relationship.
I love myself and value my space, creative time and of course my queen size bed, more than my need to have someone in my life. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point and I don’t plan on abdicating (or sharing) my solitary throne as queen of my life for just anyone.
I just want something I can never have…
Spending holidays like Valentine’s Day, my birthday and New Year’s Eve alone used to bother me -- I would work myself up into a tizzy even contemplating spending those occasions alone. I’m not sure why it was so important to me to define days like that with spending them with a significant other -- probably brainwashing from societal norms.
Would it be nice to have someone to spend those days and others with? Absolutely -- but not just someone for the sake of not being alone. That would be the opposite of what I truly seek.
What if all these fantasies come flailing around…
I’m done romanticizing, fantasizing, and waiting for my Mr. Right to come crashing through my front door, sweep me off my feet and ride off into the sunset on his white horse (or in his white hearse) -- in fact, I stopped the fantasy long ago. Just because I read fiction doesn’t mean I like it.
I’m a non-fiction girl in a surreal and fictional world of false hopes, expectations, and lies.
Sounds almost pessimistic, right? I call it realistic. I truly understand it all now.
- “Hubble” -- Sex and the City
- Hot Child in the City -- Nick Glider
- Real Wild Child -- Iggy Pop
- Rip Her to Shreds -- Blondie
- Bad Reputation -- Joan Jett
- Girlfriend is Better -- Talking Heads
- Heart Shaped Box -- Nirvana
- Cuts You Up -- Peter Murphy
- Losing My Religion -- R.E.M.
- Ladykillers -- Lush
- Bitch -- Meredith Brooks
- Connection -- Elastica
- Shape of My Heart -- Sting
- With or Without You -- U2
- Where Have All The Cowboys Gone -- Paula Cole
- Clean -- Depeche Mode
- Something I Can Never Have -- Nine Inch Nails
- A Strange Kind of Love -- Peter Murphy