Sometimes life gets frustrating beyond reason.

I feel like I’ve been rebuilding, rebranding, and restructuring my life for the past eight years. I’ve even referred to my life as one of those kids friction cars that you pull back a few times to rev it up, then when you let go, it goes speeding off — except that I’ve been revving for years it seems with no release in sight.

“Every job I’ve had adds to my skill set and when I finally figure it all out, It’s going to be epic! Everything I’ve done is building me to greatness.”

It sounds good, but in reality, it’s nothing but another bullshit excuse to put off getting my life and direction in order.

I’ve succumbed to the noise and distractions of the world around me; it’s not hard in this technology-driven, social media in your face constantly age that we exist in today.

Recently I decided that it’s time to get back to basics, to withdraw into myself and root out my direction and purpose while remaining grounded, centered, and true to myself. Lots of alone time, meditation, long drives to nowhere to get my head on straight, and sometimes just sitting in a dark room in silence. I needed to tune out the voices not only in my head from the past, but from others who mean well, but just add to the noise and confusion in my mind.

I’ve had this notion in my head since 2011 that I need to establish a “location independent” business so I have the freedom to be anywhere and do anything without being tied to a “typical 9-5” job.

Lots of research, webinars, classes, and money spent has proven to be exhausting and not what I was truly looking for. However, the skills I learned are definitely useful and not in vain; I now have a solid foundation to use.

The past month of meditations has helped me dig down deep and find just what it is I need to be and do — basically, digging in the dirt.

All those notions of a “location independent” business were futile. It’s like I’m Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz — the answer was right in front of me: I hold the power, and that power is my writing.

When I started blogging back in June 2012, it was from the inspiration I got from an article I read in Writer’s Magazine about blogging a book. My end game was to write until I had enough material for a book.

After six years, I now have enough material to fill at least five different books ranging in themes from my Mom-ster stories and memoir, surviving relationships with narcissists, as well as a book of poetry and prose revolving around living and coping with depression.

There are also the strip club stories… I’d prefer that being a cartoon-illustrated video series.  

Then there’s my TV pilot script — that, with my other books, is the key to my “location independent” income.

Who would’ve thought that 26 pages would be so difficult to write! It’s the dialogue I’m having the most difficulties with. You’d think that it’s the feelings that resurface while writing that makes it so difficult, but for me, that’s not it at all — it’s the translating the memories of those days into clear, concise, and relatable dialogue.

I’m taking my friend’s advice: I’m going to word dump everything I can remember that was said, then either go back and edit or have someone else edit it all into good dialogue that fits my story. That new method, plus proper formatting, has gotten me up to 25 pages — once finished, my first draft will be around 32 pages. 

Progress.

To continue with my tradition, I compiled a Fall Mood playlist that reflects my state of mind when it comes to this time of year, my writing, and my life presently. I’ve aptly named it “Digging in the Dirt” after the Peter Gabriel song, which is the first track.

No words ring truer with me right now than these:

I’m digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt

I hope either my words or playlist resonate with you…

Fall Mood 2018 – Digging in the Dirt

1. Digging in the Dirt – Peter Gabriel
2. The Killing Moon (Transformed) – Echo and The Bunnymen
3. Straight to You – Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds
4. Barrel of a Gun – Depeche Mode
5. Milk – Garbage
6. Get Down Make Love – Nine Inch Nails
7. Love You To Death – Type O Negative
8. Bittersweet Symphony – The Verve
9. From The Edge Of The Deep Green Sea – The Cure
10. Lay Your Hands on Me – Peter Gabriel
11. Walking in My Shoes – Depeche Mode
12. Cuts You Up – Peter Murphy
13. Wonderwall – Oasis
14. Losing My Religion – R.E.M.
15. Sweet Jane – Cowboy Junkies
16. Sea of Sin (Sensoria Mix) – Depeche Mode
17. God is a Bullet – Concrete Blonde
18. Seven Devils – Florence + The Machine
19. Zero – Smashing Pumpkins
20. It’s No Good – Depeche Mode
21. Love Like Blood – Killing Joke
22. And This Is What The Devil Does – My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult
23. Stigmata – Ministry
24. More – Sisters of Mercy
25. Round and Round – New Order
26. The Different Story – Peter Schilling
27. That Smiling Face – Camouflage
28. Rush – Depeche Mode
29. The Passenger – Siouxsie and The Banshees
30. Running Up That Hill – Kate Bush
31. Heart-Shaped Box – Nirvana
32. Clean – Depeche Mode