My Heart Could Use Some Glasses…

I was just like any other boy crazy girl in my youth.

I did more than my fair share of chasing boys around the playground in my elementary days. I loved playing pretend superhero games where I was the villain (mostly Catwoman to the boys Batman) and having them capture me. Sometimes I’d play the comic book heroine Wonder Woman and trap the boys with my “golden lasso”. We exercised our imaginations fully as children of the 1970’s.

In the beginning of my high school years, I was attracted to the cute and handsome guys, the ones who were athletes – in other words, the unattainable guys. I really didn’t care though, I had fun crushing on the guys and imagining what it would be like to be their girlfriend. I had a very active and healthy fantasy life even in those days. It’s the sign of a creative mind.

Once I hit my rebellious punk rock teen years, I was still attracted to the athletes, but more so the gutsy ones who dared to stand apart from the crowd. While I was daring, outspoken, and bold, I was also extremely awkward and shy when it came to talking to the opposite sex in my younger days. I am still a bit awkward even today talking to the testosterone driven sex.

My first official relationship and I use that word very loosely, was with a guy who already had a girlfriend in another school. I thought he was dashing, handsome, and he could do no wrong in my young and naïve eyes. When we started seeing each other, I knew he had a girlfriend. I didn’t care because he always talked so bad about her and how he was going to break it off with her.

I saw no harm in it – it worked in the movies, right? I got comfortable in this type of relationship role, perhaps a little too comfortable. Unfortunately, this first relationship is the one I subconsciously built all others from in the future.

To say that I have attracted unavailable guys for years is no lie. It’s a role I’ve grown into.

I’ve always had a penchant for falling for unavailable and unattainable guys; they put off this sexy bad boy vibe and I get drunk on the thought of having something with them. Sometimes I even think the hunt is far better than the actual pseudo-relationship itself.

I have felt guilty at times, especially when these unavailable guys are in relationships or even married. Sometimes I’ve rationalized away the guilt with passing the karma onto the guy who is cheating on his significant other with me. Now I must admit, most of the time I had no knowledge that the guy I was with was cheating. It’s rare to find a guy who is honest about it up front – most would tell me after they’d already reeled me in.

Some of the guys who have approached me over the years were strikingly handsome and in great shape, unlike me – I am a bigger, vastly curvaceous woman – I’m not saying that I’m not a cute and sexy big girl because I rock my shit. Unfortunately, I have gotten a lot of chubby chasing fat girl lovers who want the big girl behind closed doors, but the trophy fit and trim woman on his arm in public; it’s a fucked up fact.

No matter what I do, it seems that I attract emotionally unavailable, commitment-phobic, and/or cheating liars like moths to the flame.

I wish I knew what it was that screamed to these guys “use me!” to either string along or cheat on their lovers. I once had a past life regression done. I was a skeptic, and still am, but when the woman told me in one life I was a courtesan in Venice, I chuckled to myself thinking, “AHA! That must be why!

I’ve always been an experimental woman and fully embrace my sexual prowess. Perhaps that is the key to the attraction – a woman who has “been there, done that”, who isn’t afraid to try new things. A woman who is unashamed about her sexuality is hard to resist. As my friend once put it, “You look like you’d screw sideways.”

In my experience, most of these guys I’ve had relations with are looking for just a fling or flirtation-ship. It’s my reality, whether I want to admit it or not. 

Sadly, the ones who are already involved with another are doing it because they’ve grown bored with their partner for one reason or another – usually sexually. There are also some guys who just like their variety, which begs the question, “Why are you in a relationship to begin with if you know you cannot be faithful and still want your variety?”

Eventually, I would like a man to be in a completely monogamous relationship with me. At 45 years old, I hate to admit that I’ve never had that before. 

I want nothing more than for a man to fall in love with who I am, for my mind, my intellect, and even my body. No one is perfect and physical beauty eventually fades, but true beauty shines from the inside out.

I need that all elusive spark of connection. I’ve felt it before, but as my story goes, that spark is only one-sided, unfortunately. I’m the “everything, but…” girl – guys want everything with me, except a romantic relationship. For this, I feel cursed. I must have been a shitty person in a previous life to have this fate.

Deep down inside I still want the fairy tale/rom-com/John Hughes movie romance and happily ever after, even though I know it does not and cannot exist in a world like this. 

The internet has made sex fast, cheap, and way too easy to attain. Look at online dating sites like Plenty of Fish and the app Tinder, for example. Finding a hookup, booty-call or a one-night stand is right at the click of a button on your smart phone. We’ve created texting acronyms such as NSA (no strings attached), FWB (friends with benefits), and DTF (down to fuck) to distinguish easy sexual encounters online.

During my time working in strip clubs as a house mom, DJ, and manager, it was easy to blur the fine lines of hookups, cheating, and flirtation-ships with relationships because of the mentality and values (or lack thereof) in an environment like that.

It was commonplace to see guys who had girlfriends, fiancée’s, and wives (and sometimes a combination of all three), getting their junk touched and groped (sometimes even more) by strippers. Some of the poor schmucks even “fell in love” with strippers, and lost a good chunk of their hard-earned money to the seductive bitches. Those chicks played their game well. It’s all a fantasy and guys always seem to fall prey to the illusion in their mind, and almost always think with their dicks.

Love has become very difficult to find. It makes me wonder if it still exists with all the technological advances we have at our disposal. Perhaps love will become just another fairy tale we are told as children.

Can you imagine Prince Charming and Cinderella meeting on Match.com? Maybe they’d pass each other by because their selfie wasn’t quite right. No romance, no happy ending – well maybe Prince Charming would get a happy ending if he went on Tinder, found a girl DTF, and swiped right.

Yes, in the words of Paul Westerberg, my heart could use some glasses…

Where is the love? I’m left doubting it even exists anymore in this world.