Masochistic Tendencies [on the fly]

anger is an energyI want to rip my chest open and pull out my heart.

I want the feeling center of my brain to stop.

I just want to be numb.

The people I interact with day-to-day have no idea of the complete fuck up I am. Or if they are aware, they sure do a great job and keep it to themselves.

I live with extremes in my mind every day.

Today it is just amplified. 

It’s all part of the sickness within me. I know this.

The demons I’ve conquered are banging loudly from the inside out to be unleashed. They want to rip me from my calm and peaceful world I’ve come to know.

I am tempted to let them free. To go on autopilot.

Maybe I need a little chaos in my world. Just for a short time.

Can I corral and cage them back up once I let them free? I don’t know, but I cannot handle this incessant clamor in my head.

The song “Rise” by Public Image Ltd. is my anthem today – Anger is an energy.

I have the agonizing need to rage.

I haven’t felt this urge in a long time. Self-destructive and masochistic tendencies. They need release. 

My mind is spinning and whirring out of control. I’m treading water with this depression. Times like this I feel like I’m going to lose the battle and drown. 

And then I remember…

Let go.

Float.

Don’t fight it.

Just be.