9 1/2 Dates – An Ode to Friday Night

 

1: We went out for Mexican food. He got more salsa on his white shirt than in his mouth. I sunk deep into my chair from embarrassment when he farted loudly, laughed and said, “That means the food is good here! My compliments to the chef!” I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I never went back to that restaurant again.

 

2: I went for a ride on his motorcycle (not a Harley to my dismay). We ended up at a park and started making out on top of a picnic table. He whispers in my ear in a deep sexy voice, “I like fingers in my ass. Deep. In. My. Ass.” I replied, “Sorry, I don’t want to break a nail.” He took me home shortly afterwards.

 

3: We met at a restaurant that had a window seat facing the sidewalk on a busy downtown street. It was a nice luncheon filled with laughter and conversation; I thought to myself I finally met a nice and well-adjusted guy. After dessert arrived, he reached across the table and handed me a small ring with fishing line attached. “Pull this under the table, it’s wrapped around my balls, I want you to tug it while we sit here and talk.” In my head I couldn’t believe what was happening, but curiosity got the best of me, so I obliged him. We sat there another hour conversing normally, while he winced every once in a while.

 

4: He told me he wanted to take me shopping with him to help him find new clothes for a new look he wanted to try. We ended up in a women’s high end fashion boutique. I picked out outfits, along with the sales girls, and made him try them on and parade around the store in them – heels and all.

 

5: I met him at the beach to watch the sunset. We walked the boardwalk and made our way to a small pier and sat down, our feet dangling into the water. What a perfect setting for a first kiss. He leaned in to kiss me and it felt like a scene from Alien vs. Predator; I feared my face was going to be swallowed whole.

 

6: We went out for dinner at a Chinese buffet. After dinner he went to the restroom. I sat at the table waiting and waiting; I couldn’t go anywhere because he drove and had the keys. He had sleep apnea and fell asleep snoring on the toilet – he returned after 45 minutes, ready to eat again. I was mortified.

 

7: He asked me to meet him at Borders Bookstore, in the erotica section. I got there early and was thumbing through some erotica anthologies. He walks up to me in a long black trench coat; I looked and saw he did indeed have jeans and shoes on, so I sighed in relief. I assumed too much – he opened his coat enough for me to see that he had the crotch cut out of his jeans, revealing his rather large junk. That wasn’t the shocking part – he had a Prince Albert and there hung a full-sized padlock where a small ring normally resides.

 

8: I brought him lunch to his office one afternoon. He let me sit behind his huge mahogany desk in his comfy office chair. He excused himself for a moment; minutes later he reappears with a yard stick in his hand. I knew he was dominant, but didn’t expect this. He undid his pants, pulled them down to his knees, bends over his desk and hands me the yard stick, looking at me pleadingly. I broke that yard stick on his ass.

 

9: We hung out at his place. He was older than me, yet his home resembled that of a teenager who just moved out of his parents’ house. There was no rhyme or reason to his décor. As we sat down on his broken down futon sofa, he started talking like a baby and informed me he liked to wear diapers on occasion because it made him feel free. My phone rang and I excused myself outside. I never came back in or saw him again.

 

9 ½: Against my better judgement, I went and met him after talking online for a few weeks. We met at a popular coffeehouse. He smelled like Axe body spray exploded all over him. We talked for ten minutes and the electric went out in the coffeehouse. He walked me to my car and asked me if a blow job was out of the question. I kicked him in his balls. Does that answer your question?